Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
