Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
