A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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