new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So gin and wine won't be happening again
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
