I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize