let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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