She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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