its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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