she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
