i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
