I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
