Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
where does the pee come out of this thing
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
