yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
