now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
