Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
