I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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