Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
