I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
