Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
tell me about the eggs
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
