Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
