Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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