Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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