Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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