Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
