I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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