im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
