Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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