Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
