What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My feet surprised me
Randomize
