First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am spending my child support on dildos
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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