i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
