Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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