I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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