Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
