shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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