I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
