I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
