i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
