I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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