She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He passed out mid-signature
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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