I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
