I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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