my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
