If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
