Yo dont text me then not text me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
