you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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