your room smells of hookers.
And success
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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