About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
