Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize