dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it glows. i had to have it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
